Valentine’s Schmalentines

Okay…so Valentine’s Day is tomorrow.

Like I didn’t know that?

Like I was born in a barn or something?

Right…you are soooooo off base.

It was a garage.

A two car garage.

More of a service bay, actually…at a highway rest stop off of 84.

What can I say…I was in a hurry.

I didn’t want to miss one more episode of Ozzie & Harriet than I needed to.

Okay…maybe I am trying to avoid the issue.

Valentine’s Day.

But I made my feelings on all of that pretty clear…last year…right here.

That’s right…I’m a rhyming fool.

So cool.

I can rhyme all day…

That’s what I say.

Especially if it keeps me from writing about…Valentine’s Day.

Little cherubs….flowers…cardboard organs filled with assorted chocolates, filled with soft, chewy centers.

Who needs it?

I get that everyday watching Oprah.

Big deal.

And I REPEAT…this is not about the stress and pressure associated with my 2^nd grade experience counting cards.

It was 1^st grade and I wasn’t all that accurate with my numbers yet, so I’m sure I had more cards than the one I counted…from my grandma.

You know…the one she forgot to sign.

And it has absolutely nothing at all to do with the very first Valentine I bought for Z, after we met.

It has to do with the very first Valentine I bought for Z, before we met…between the restraining order and our official first date.

What? 

I was young. I thought flatulence jokes were suitable for every occasion.

And yes…that was our official first date, even if there was a mandated, locked door between us.

But who can remember that far back…not without the monthly reminders from the probation department.

Besides, I don’t like to celebrate Valentine’s until the day after, anyway.

Everything’s way cheaper then.

Cards, candy, flowers…all half price.

Even less if you buy from the “year old” bin

But even so, half price or no…I do know how to do Valentine’s.

Despite the incident with the edible underwear…that guy was wearing.

And you can ask Z about the time I hired that glee club from the senior center to sing our wedding song.

You’ve never heard “Aqualung” until you’ve heard it performed by a group of octogenarians, with flatulence issues.

See…always funny.

But this year I’m doing it up really big.

Pulling out all the stops.

Sparing no expense.

And, maybe you’re right.

Maybe I should do it on actual Valentine’s Day…no matter how much more it costs.

But I heard rumblings there might be a “Duck Dynasty” marathon on.

I guess I’ll have to wait ‘til next year.

What?

Can I help it if I’m just a big romantic at heart?

Even with a soft chewy center.

TweetFollow @FreelanceRetort