Sunday, March 26, 2017

Perfect for a Rainy Day



Looking for just the right thing to while away a rainy day?


Well, first I’d look into an umbrella. Then, pick up a copy of my new book of Freelance Retorts and chuckle a little while you’re waiting for your socks to dry...because umbrellas do pretty much nothing for wet feet.


Plus, I need the validation....


Just sayin....





Anyway, buy the book...a guaranteed page turner, since that’s the only way to read the whole thing.


Again...just sayin....





Friday, March 24, 2017

Lying in “Truth”







Everyone wants the “truth”.

Why wouldn’t you?

I mean who wants a lie?

Unless you’re asking someone if your pants look okay.

Or if they can tell you had the garlic linguini for lunch?

Some people say the “truth” is relative.

That your “truth” is as valid as my “truth”...just different.

And then they run for public office.

I don’t know...and that is the “truth”.

I don’t think the “truth” is relative.

No matter how many “quote” marks you “wrap” around it.

I think the “truth” is the “truth”.

And everyone knows it’s the “truth”, but maybe don’t really want to admit it.

Or don’t want you to admit it...or know it.

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Snow Way...a Snow Day!









We’re in the middle of a Nor’easter here in the Nor ‘east.

Which seems to make sense.

It’s also been classified as a Blizzard...or potential Blizzard, providing it meets specific criteria, set up, I guess, by the Blizzard association or bureau or something.

I’m not going to get into what that criteria is, because, one...I don’t want to bore you...and two...I have no idea what that criteria is, and I’m not about to go find out.

But I think it has something to do with a lot of snow and wind.

I’m not sure if this particular nor’easter is measuring up, at least where I sit, despite all the dire predictions, but it’s enough to render one house bound and be a disruption to one's normal routine.



Whereas, I would, on a typical winter’s day, sit inside staring at my computer, Googling shocking facts I never knew about “The Ghost and Mrs. Muir” all day...today, I’m relegated to siting inside staring at my computer, Googling shocking facts I never knew about “The Ghost and Mrs. Muir”—the TV show, not the movie—while Z, who wasn’t able to get to work, even though I offered to worry...a lot...until she arrived safely...runs around the house cleaning and rearranging “everything” in sight and out of sight, some stuff I didn’t even know we owned.

Yeah...so annoying, right?

And don’t get me started on all those distracting aromas of fresh baked Irish Bread...and brownies...and chocolate chip cookies...and maybe some hot chocolate and popcorn coming from the kitchen.

Maybe....

Wednesday, March 8, 2017

Retorts Unraveled


https://www.amazon.com/Zombies-Have-Big-Heads-observations/dp/0998733903/ref=pd_rhf_gw_p_img_1?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=KAYM5EVDMMHNBSY3MR94

I finally got around to assembling my first collection of Retorts in book form and—wait for it—it’s available today on Amazon and, or, whatever other online bookseller you prefer.

It’s called:








Just like it says on the cover.

How did I come to choose this particular title, you ask?

Well, I was going back and forth, debating what to call it, wondering if the non-Zombie contingent might be turned off, thinking it was some kind of blood and gore horror story, which it isn’t...obviously...and if I wouldn’t be better served to go with something less ghoul specific.

But, in the end, the un-dead crowd has always been good to me so I stuck with my gut and ran with it...something the Zombies have been trying to do with my internal organs for years.

Besides, I’d already let slip what I’d been planning, so I didn’t want to risk any hard feelings; because Zombies can get a little unreasonable when their feelings are hurt and tend to wear their hearts on their sleeves...or somebody’s heart...or sleeve.

Of course, now, all the Zombie enthusiasts are going to be disappointed when they find out it’s really not a Zombie book at all...just a book of odd stories that happens to have some Zombies in it, from time to time.

But what doesn’t these days?

So, who knows?

Obviously not me.

As usual....

I’m not sure when I first thought it would be a good idea to publish a book of past Retorts.

Tuesday, March 7, 2017

Shhhhhhhhhh....

I’m officially launching my new collection of favorite Retorts—“The Zombies Have Big Heads”— tomorrow. But you can be the first on your block to get it, by ordering on Amazon, today.

Shhhhhhh...don’t tell anyone. We don’t want to overwhelm the servers, but I thought you deserved to know.
Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....

https://www.amazon.com/Zombies-Have-Big-Heads-observations/dp/0998733903/ref=pd_rhf_gw_p_img_4?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=9BCQ7RXF1YCY42FGC06D


Wednesday, March 1, 2017

Turn Turn Turn....







By March end, I’ll be turning 63.

Wow...that sounds weird.

I mean, besides the odd, crooked number, “turning” seems to indicate at some point I’ll undergo some sort of magical transformation.

As if a circle of starlight will surround and infuse my being with 63-ness.

Wisdom of 63 will fill my head and another slice of the unknown will suddenly become known.

Such as, why Instagram is essential to the health of my social media profile.

And the revelation that Lady Gaga and Pink are really the same person.

I don’t know.

We all make such a big deal about age...especially when we have a bit of it on us.

But isn’t that a good thing?

According to today’s quote from my pal Shinkei, “One cannot be certain of living even into the evening....”

But if you eat Big Macs every day, you probably already knew that.

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Idiomatic of Nothing







Last time...yeah, way back then...I tried to do February a solid by talking up its good points.

Yeah...right?

Then, the next day, February dumped about 6 inches of snow.

And then, as if that weren’t enough, another 3 or so a couple of days later.

So I can only surmise, February likes its bad boy—or girl...who can tell with months—image.

But then it decided to change course, again, and throw a little springtime our way...with a little subfreezing temps mixed in—here and  there...there and here— just to keep us on our toes.

Which I’ve always found to be an odd reaction...but there it is.

A bunch of people walking around on their toes.

Not that I’m complaining.

Well, I mean, yeah...I am complaining...but I’m supposed to say I’m not.

Not sure why.

All in all, I find the toe walking entertaining.

Plus it saves on shoe leather...or rubber.

Which goes hand in hand with my next proclamation.